I have always considered myself a strong woman.  After all, I’ve survived three abusive relationships involving intimate partners, am a melanoma cancer survivor, and clawed myself out of the trenches of depression and anxiety that left me with dirty fingernails.

Do I feel sorry for myself?  NO! 

Why don’t I?  Because I have a strong woman in my life who has shown me what it takes to be a survivor, I call her mom.
 
Looking back on my childhood, I realize that my strength came from watching her persevere.

• At 19, she lost both of her parents, who died within six months of each other, leaving her an orphan.
• Battling depression and anxiety herself, she did her absolute best to juggle being a wife and mother, all while hiding that from us so our family wouldn’t worry.   
• My parents filed for bankruptcy, and we moved from our beautiful home that my dad had designed and into a rental property. 
• Up until that point, she was a stay-at-home-mom and took pride in taking care of her family.  She had to find a full-time job to help with the bills and began working for her uncle.

 
As a teenager, it was a tough transition.  I left my friends and moved to a neighborhood full of strangers. 
 
My brother and I made the best of it even though we found trouble or trouble found us (shh…that’s a secret).   
 
There is a saying that my parents often repeated, "If things aren't going your way, punt.  It's not the end of the world."  That has stuck with me my entire life because life isn’t always easy – there are lots of lessons to be learned along the way.
 
Thanks to her, I’ve grown into a strong and confident woman.  But what happens when that woman breaks? 

Recently, we said goodbye to our precious dog, Sadie.  It was unexpected, and she has left an enormous hole in our hearts.
 
When I found her, she was standing on the side of the road, eating pebbles.  I wasn't supposed to be on that road that day.  The path that I usually take was under construction, and there was a large orange detour sign.  I was annoyed knowing I was already late, but then I saw her - this beautiful creature with black fur, cream paws, and tan markings above her eyes.
 
I stopped and opened the van door.  She immediately hopped inside, walked to the front, and plopped herself on the passenger seat, looking at me as if to say, "Hey, let's go!  Floor it, lady."
 
We did everything we could to find her owner, but after a month of no luck, we made her part of our family. 
 
She instantly became my shadow and was by my side during my cancer diagnosis and recovery, depression, and anxiety bouts.  Most importantly, she was there day in and day out for the last nine years to provide constant companionship.  She was the best dog ever, and I miss her every day.
 
The day after we said goodbye, I sat on the sofa, bawling my eyes out while my body shook.  I was inconsolable, and even my husband couldn’t help.  I’m sure he felt extremely helpless, watching me fall apart.
 
I distinctly remember saying, "I'm breaking." 

She was going to be my riding partner once I bought that Jeep that I’ve had my eyes on for the past year. 
 
She was going to fill that void when our son moves into his place this fall. 
 
I had so many plans for the two of us.  Life isn't fair, and I wanted more time with her. 
 
I’m a fighter.
 
I'm a survivor.
 
I'm a tough cookie.
 
But even strong women break.
 


I have a passion for supporting women and created a Facebook Group called Sisterhood of Fabulous and Fearless Women.  Would love for you to join.

By Holly Miller

Our brains are amazingly powerful. That brain power can do some astonishing things to our bodies. It has caused me to shake uncontrollably for weeks, make me feel dizzy for days on end, overwhelm my body to the point of passing out, and pack on weight. When harnessed for good, my brain helped me to calm myself, clear my skin, and lose weight. There is this chemical in our brain called cortisol that can change your life for better or worse. If you want to read more about it, here is a quick guide:  https://www.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/what-is-cortisol
 
            If you don’t believe in what our brains can do to our bodies, take a look at the picture that accompanies this blog post. That picture is of the same woman, in the same classroom, 4 years apart. Look at the lady on the left. Blotchy red skin, round face, glassy eyes, defeated expression. She looks nothing like the lady on the right who looks bright, happy, and ready to tackle life! But both are me! After I got some medical help from my doctor, I began to re-evaluate how I let my brain speak to me. “You are worthless.” “You always fail at everything you do.” “You will never truly feel happy.” Would you let anyone say these things to your best friend? No? Then why do we say them to ourselves?! The way we speak to ourselves (self-talk) can affect our cortisol levels. Your brain has that kind of power. Look at that photo again! The woman on the left was not kind to herself in the least. The woman on the right looks like someone I would want to give me a pep-talk. We cannot allow ourselves to speak in a way that we NEVER would to someone else.
 
            I was struggling to write a blog this month. I realized it was because I was slipping back into negative self-talk. I think so many of us don’t even realize we are doing it. We need to be more aware of how we talk to ourselves. Our brains can be re-wired for our benefit. I love this article:  https://brainspeak.com/how-negative-self-talk-sabotages-your-health-happiness/  It talks about how we can literally change our brains to affect our bodies for good health. It seems so cliché to hear, “Just think positive!”, but our brains depend on it for our health, mentally AND physically.
 
            Next time you have a negative thought about yourself, I challenge you to change it. Whenever I find a bad thought coming into my head, I picture a loved one in my mind and make myself say that thought aloud to that person. I immediately come to that person’s defense. “You can’t talk to her like that!” “She is an AMAZING person.” “BACK OFF! Why are you being so mean?!” Why do we not champion ourselves like that? YOU are the most influential person in your life. It’s time to take back that powerful brain of yours and use it for good!

By Cherie Faus Smith

Turning 50 was such a pivotal time in my life. Not only was it the beginning of a new decade, but it was an opportunity for me to embrace the changes I was experiencing such as becoming an empty nester, menopause, weight gain, as well as the aches and pains that accompanied my aging body.

Because there are so many changes happening at once, it was time to make a choice.

1. Either accept the changes that were happening to me mentally and physically OR
2. Allow myself to go into a deep and dark depression

Since I am already an anxious person and have gone down the depression road once or twice before, I decided to flip the switch!

I am choosing confidence and courage over fear.
Let us face it, turning 50 can be scary.  It may not be as exciting as your 16th, 21st, or even 30th birthday celebrations but it can be if we allow ourselves to be brave and embrace this next chapter in our lives.

A few months before that momentous day, I made a conscious choice to change how I viewed being a 50-year-old woman. After surviving three abusive relationships and cancer, I wanted to show the world that this beautiful and brave woman was not going to allow age to define her.

It is time for other women who are getting ready to step into this new decade to wrap themselves in self-love and believe that they have something special to contribute to the world too.
I am leaning into my 50s by:

• Getting out of my comfort zone. I have always played it safe and it is now time to overcome my fears and try new things; like zip-lining.
• Changing careers. After graduating business school and working in the corporate world until my late thirties, I started my own virtual assistance business. For the past 14 years, I have supported numerous entrepreneurs and love every minute of my work. But it is time to follow my passions and mentor women who have reached the wonderful milestone of being 50.

Of course, not everything about being 50 is fabulous (even though it is darn close).

Downside of Turning Fifty
Where do I begin? The weight gain, grey hairs, mood swings, droopy breasts, and the oh so lovely hot flashes. And, let us not forget the reading glasses.

I was born with strawberry blonde hair and in my late twenties, I began dyeing (highlighting) my hair blonde. The first time I spotted a grey hair, I flipped out telling my husband that I am too young to be greying. He, of course, just told me that he could not see it because of the blonde. I know he was just trying to be nice but what the heck.

Now, during the COVID-19 pandemic, the non-essential businesses are closed and that includes my hair salon. I normally see my stylist every 5 weeks to cover those pesky greys. I am not sure when salons will open again but hopefully before my hair turns ALL grey instead of just the roots.
I noticed recently during a TV interview that my boobs were a bit droopy despite buying a brand-new bra.  YIKES!  That was on live TV, people.

And, last summer, I shared a post of me after a pap exam.  You can see the post here - it's funny, I promise.

Transition and Growth
I am learning to accept my body (wrinkles, extra fat, you name it), learning to let go of things I can't change so I can find peace, learning to be grateful for every day that I open my eyes and am able to crawl out of bed. Most of all, I am learning to just live life.  This is the only life I have so I should make the best of it.


If you're in your fifties and looking for support, send me an email so we can chat on how I can help you.  We are in this together girlfriend.

By Holly Miller

Everywhere you look in the past weeks has been the same coverage in the media. And I struggled whether to acknowledge the same thing on everyone’s mind for this month’s blog. But I feel I have some insight when it comes to anxiety. I know it well. I’ve battled it for years. Anyone who knows me knows I am open about my anxiety, and during this uncertain time, many people checked up on me out of concern, hoping I am dealing ok. Many of these people were very surprised to have found a calm and certain person on the other end of the call. While others have been feeling extreme anxiety for perhaps the first time in their lives, I have found that others like me who have struggled with anxiety most of their lives are actually doing well! I believe this is because I have coping mechanisms in place when experiencing feelings of fear, uncertainty, and stress. There are times where I do feel overwhelmed and hopeless. But I have ways of dealing with these feelings, practiced over years and years of dealing with anxiety, that may be helpful. So if you are new to uncertainty and are struggling right now, here are some ways I have been coping. 

1. Get dressed
Yes, even if you are not going anywhere. I promise you will feel better. Even if you change from pajamas to yoga pants, changing your clothes and getting ready for the day can change your whole outlook.

 2. Stick to a schedule
You don’t have to have every minute planned out and you can keep it relatively loose, but have a general plan for each day. Chunk off time to eat, clean up, get work done, and also time for leisurely activities. Having a plan will help keep you going. 

3. Lower your expectationsI know this sounds negative, but this is more about granting yourself (and others in your household) some grace. This is a stressful time. There is so much unease. It’s ok for things to take longer than normal. Put in a good effort every day to accomplish what you need to get done and then let the rest go for another day. 

4. Set and keep boundaries
If you are working from home, have a set time you will start and stop work and hold yourself to that. Have a specific place where you do work and leave the rest of your house for your life outside of work. It is easy to blur the lines between work and leisure when you are stuck at home. Eventually, you will be “on” all of the time and will sacrifice the rest you desperately need (mentally and physically). If you are stopping work at 5 PM, shut down email, close down all work-related tasks, and physically leave your workspace for the rest of the night.  

5. Do some type of physical activity / go outside
When I am feeling particularly anxious, taking a quick walk around the block can do wonders. Find a yoga video on Youtube and follow along. Put on your favorite song and dance! It doesn’t have to be long or strenuous, but getting up and moving around every day helps. Some days the weather isn’t great, but getting outside, even for a few minutes, is proven to help your mentality.

 6. Keep a list of hobbies and activities that are ‘screen-less’
Most of us are using technology to stay connected and to complete work. When you aren’t working, take a break from your computer, tablet, and phone. I personally like cross-stitch, painting with diamonds (you can order these kits off of Amazon), reading, and puzzles. If you have an ongoing project to work on, you can pick that up when you are feeling restless. 
​
7. Stay connected with loved ones
Call or better yet, video chat with friends and family outside of your house. It raises everyone’s spirits to hear and/or see a friendly face. If you don’t have a lot to talk about because you don’t have a lot going on right now, have a theme night! Make yourself a cocktail or mocktail, make up funny toasts to each other, and have a happy hour. Have everyone paint along with Bob Ross and show your masterpieces when you are done. Read trivia questions to each other. Play charades. Start a book club - agree on a book, and discuss it when everyone finishes it. With video chat, the possibilities are endless! We may be socially distancing, but that doesn’t mean we have to be socially distant.

It’s ok not to be ok right now. It’s ok to feel lost, uneasy, and even disappointed. Acknowledge these feelings and know that you are not alone. So many of us are feeling unease. What we considered normal are now things we can no longer do (for now). And that is hard. And this lifestyle may have to go on longer than we want. But realize that this will eventually end. When life returns to normal, take time to appreciate all of the little things we once took for granted. 

“And the people stayed home. And read books, and listened, and rested, and exercised, and made art, and played games, and learned new ways of being, and were still. And listened more deeply. Some meditated, some prayed, some danced. Some met their shadows. And the people began to think differently.

And the people healed. And in the absence of people living in ignorant, dangerous, mindless, and heartless ways, the earth began to heal.
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And when the danger passed, and the people joined together again, they grieved their losses, and made new choices, and dreamed new images, and created new ways to live and heal the earth fully, as they had been healed.” - Kitty O’Meara

By Karima Leslie

Image by Ryan McGuire from Pixabay

The Problem: Science Says We’re Kind of Suckers for Pain

Our brains are wired to seek out- and pay more attention to- unpleasant news. Termed “Negativity Bias” in Psychology, this pursuit of knowledge of negative things has helped us survive life threatening situations for generations. 
But as our society evolves and the accessibility of information grows, we become bombarded by everything that’s going wrong in the world which can leave us thinking that the world is an awful place.

But I Have Good News: 
In reality, the world is filled with just as much beauty & compassion as it is with ugliness & hate. It’s all a matter of what we pay attention to and what we’re fed. Reporting on positive news is rare in occurrence because bad news sells, not because there’s less of it. The world is still a wonderful place, the end is not nigh, and our planet is not past the point of saving. 

Step 1: Be Realistic
If we want to be informed, then we have to open ourselves up to the good as much as we do the bad.
Having a “realistic” view of the world does not equal cynicism or skepticism but a balanced understanding that both good and bad events occur all the time. Be mindful of your thoughts this week and be honest about acknowledging if you’re biased towards negativity. 

Try This Exercise to Find Out If You Have A Bias
Read the following scenarios and close your eyes as you think about your reaction. Really envision each scenario and go through possible thoughts & emotions that you would have:

• This week your boss told you you’re doing great and to keep up the good work, your partner left you a love note, your neighbor yelled at you for not cutting the grass often enough and for coming and going at weird hours, and your coming down with the flu
• In this month’s news a young entrepreneur designed a machine that can extract trash & debris to safely clean up the ocean, measles are a thing again, riots in India escalate amidst police brutality scandals, and a non-profit has found a way to turn saltwater intro drinkable water 

How did the above scenarios make you feel? Were your thoughts & emotions mostly negative, positive, or neutral?

The happiness, love, & beauty in the world can be overshadowed by the anger, darkness, & sadness which has a bigger platform. Because of this we must be diligent in seeking out joy. Below are some great resources to get you started and remember that for every bad news, there is good. Check in again next month for the next step you can take to make 2020 your best year yet!

• Positive.News https://www.positive.news/
• The Good News Network: https://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/
• The Happy Newspaper https://thehappynewspaper.com/shop/

I had to do just that last week ...

When medical challenges overwhelmed me, my body couldn't do all the things I had set to do, I felt bummed out. 

I felt bad about having to cancel prior commitments and I was tired of being stuck in bed when I would rather be playing with my kids. I was frustrated by the lack of answers from the medical staff and the uncertainty it brought...
​
It wasn't long until I felt miserable, not just physically but emotionally. And I had to remind myself that even when I can't control my circumstances, I can still control my emotions and controlling my emotions starts with controlling my thoughts.
I had to change the tape and I'm glad I did...


If you find yourself on the negative thoughts wagon and captivated by your inner critic, you might want to try the following strategies, they work...


Stop for a moment and listen to the soundtrack inside your head.
 
What messages are coming up?
Whose voice do you hear?
 
Notice your self-talk and the feelings that come up when you hear those old messages, buried deep in your subconscious so long ago. Those messages, those beliefs are way past their sell-by date and are no longer serving you.
 
Challenge them, rewrite the self-talk script and turn your Inner Critic into your friend. Once you begin to notice these limiting beliefs you can start to revise them.
 
Some ways to rewrite your self-talk include journaling about the limiting beliefs…

• where they came from
• what they say
• what triggers that voice in your head

 
Then, write out a new script which you can use whenever that voice starts talking. You can try affirmations and visualizations as well at this point.

Take your loudest or most powerful negative self-talk first and work to change it. After that, you can challenge each of them in turn.


If you want to journal your way to self-worth, check out my free mini ebook on that subject and share it with others (suitable for  teens as well). Grab it HERE.

Remember, you are worth more than rubies!

6 Key Benefits of Reinventing Yourself

We often make our way to the idea of reinvention after experiencing frustration and discontentment with our lives.
Sometimes there’s a sense of longing to do something different, to find a new way to live and to be. This kind of reinvention evolves from the human need to grow and to change. Change comes about because there has to be more to human existence than simply existing and most people sense that over time.
Sometimes in the early stages of reinvention, we think about what benefits we might receive from building a new self.  Perhaps we just want to be free of a stale, confining and suffocating way of life, but that might not seem enough to us right then.
Other than liberating yourself from a life with no change and no growth, what other benefits does reinvention offer?
​

1. You learn to face fear—and survive! Fear is the first roadblock to personal change. It’s not that easy to change one’s self and life without giving up something you’ve already got. For example, leaving a job that you’re well-established in for a new career is terrifying. What if? becomes a constant companion in the early days. As you continue on in the process, you learn to face those fears. You learn how to go forward even if your plan is in constant development.
   
   
   
2. Happiness goes up, frustration goes down. Reinvention brings us closer to who we want to be or what we want to do, usually both. Living closer to our authentic selves gets rid of all the frustration caused by dissonance. Life becomes a happier place. Better yet, you become a happier person when you reinvent yourself.
   
   
   
3. Increased stress tolerance. Deliberately reinventing ourselves brings some stress, there’s no way around it. However, as we use new tools to help us on our way, we learn to diffuse and dissipate that stress. The more you reinvent yourself, the more stress you learn to face and the stronger you become at facing stress in your life.
   
   
   
4. Clarity. You gain a clear understanding of what you want in life, from yourself and others. You also get a lot of practice with honesty. After all, you have to be honest with yourself about things you want to keep going forward—and what you want to  let go of.
   
   
   
5. You get a bigger toolbox of coping and thriving skills. Reinvention is all about changing for the better. Getting there takes a lot of new skills. You’ll boost your coping techniques and your tolerance for uncertainty.

 

1. 6.You learn how to reinvent yourself. This benefit might seem obvious, but once going through the process of self-transformation for the first time, all future transformations become less scary. With fear removed, it’s easier to explore new options in life.

Of course, a huge benefit is a more authentic  and fulfilling life. After all, that’s the first purpose of going through this transformation process. More importantly, you learn how to be adaptable in the face of new challenges and that is a life skill that is useful in many ways.
You learn how to cope with new problems and new situations. Once you've been through one reinvention cycle, you’ll be ready to do it again when you feel the need.
You may never decide to reinvent yourself again, but that’s a matter of choice. You’ll know how to do it . That’s a life-changing benefit all on its own!
​
How will you #ReinventYourself this year?

​
​People reinvent themselves for as many different reasons as there are different people. However, reinvention is usually driven by a few prominent emotions: boredom, restlessness, dissatisfaction, even fear. Sometimes reinvention rises out of personal crises. If you’re looking for ways to bring about self-renewal, we can help you find them.

There are several kinds of reinvention, but we’re looking at proactive Reinvention. Proactive reinvention can be the toughest of the three. In proactive reinvention, we’re at a place that’s safe and comfortable at that moment.
​
Major life changes aren’t immediately required. We might even be able to keep on coasting just as we are, but that’s not a satisfying place for us anymore. Even though reinvention can be scary, we still have the desire to do it. Reinvention seems better than where we are.
Maybe we’re simply tired and unfulfilled in our lives, our work, relationships, etc. Sometimes all three categories cry out for change. Proactive reinvention has the advantage of not being urgent in most cases. You can be deliberate in your choices.

1. Ask Yourself “What do I need in my life now? What do I want? What’s missing?”
To answer this question, we must dig deep, and it’s not a quick process in most cases. Proactive reinvention tends to arise out of a sense of dissatisfaction about where we are in life or even who we are. We may only know that we want something different.

2. Identify Your Love and Passions
What do you value? What gets your engine running? If you could make a living at a hobby, what would it be? Getting a handle on what you enjoy and what you love to do, how you love to feel, and whom you love to be around lets you set some big, broad goals. In all cases and steps of reinvention, ask yourself questions like:

• How can I make my passions a way of life?
• How can my passions help me stay financially sound?
• Do I have any support to make the changes to become congruent with my passions?

3. Explore Your Immediate Options
Immediate options generally include things like your skill set, your finances, your contacts and social links in life. These can be springboards to the new you. Think of these as assets you already must dedicate to your renewal.

4. Get a teacher, mentor or sounding board
If you’ve got a general idea of what you want to do, you can start homing in on sources of information and expertise. Those sources can be people who are knowledgeable or experience with the subject matter, profession, hobby, whatever it is that’s appealing to you. If you know you want to reinvent yourself, but haven’t got a lock on a destination yet, there’s no worry. Many people go through the renewal process without any hint of a fixed destination or end-point in mind when they start off.
That said, it’s good to have someone around who can give you ideas, feedback, and support that’s related to your journey.

5. Consider the Unknown
The unknown is scary, but it can also lead to some great discoveries. There are two big sources of it, too. There’s the unknown out there in the world external to us, and the unknown inside you. When you change your life, there’s bound to be internal changes that you didn’t plan for. If planning were all it took to reinvent one’s life, it’d be much simpler. Let the possibility of change flourish in you. If you try hard to hang on to everything that you’ve got now, that you are now, nothing will change.

6. Learn to live with fear while always going forward

Reinvention requires embracing uncertainty. It means getting comfortable with discomfort. Doing new things, trying new ways to be is scary! Allowing fear to stop us from changing is always the biggest block to proactive reinvention.

Always. Unlike reactive reinvention, when you must make big changes or face even worse situations than self-renewal, proactive reinvention seems optional when we get scared, so we have the option to retreat into safety. Safety is great. However, clinging to the safety of the familiar ensures you will never reinvent yourself.

Regeneration of the self requires living with fear, too. Consider as an example the situation of leaving one career for another, more ideal career. Common wisdom says you must have another job before leaving your current job.
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That wisdom in this situation kills any chance of getting that ideal job. It’s very hard, maybe impossible, to prepare for a completely new profession while working a full-time job. A dentist who leaves her job for another job as a dentist has changed locales but has not at all reinvented herself.
Making a jump from the known into the unknown safely, with no risks, doesn’t happen. There is always some element of risk. Learning to live with risk in order to get something you dearly want is one of the biggest rewards of reinventing yourself.

​Speaker, mentor and author Cherie Faus-Smith is a beacon for victims of domestic abuse. She shines a light on survivors and illuminates a path of prevention toward healthy relationships with an end goal of helping them recognize the signs of abuse. With over three decades of real-life experiences, Cherie shares that there is hope after abuse. Her open heart has a way of bringing out the best in others. Cherie’s book “The Cycle Ended: Saying Goodbye to Domestic Abuse” details the struggles in her past abusive relationships and how she found love after breaking the cycle of choosing unhealthy relationships. You can find more information about Cherie on her website https://cheriefaus-smith.com/.