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Blog: Tips & Tools for Human Flourishing

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MY PROMISE TO YOU...

11/23/2016

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If you're looking for someone who has it all together, I'm not it.
If you're looking for someone who has it all figured out, I'm not it.
If you're looking for someone who has all the answers, I'm not it.
BUT...
If you're looking for someone who's been there, I'm it.
If you're looking for someone who gets it, I'm it.
If you're looking for someone who hears you, I'm it.
 
I'm your partner on the journey and here's my promise to you:
I will walk beside you.
I will listen unconditionally.
I will not solve your problems but I will give you the tools to do so.
 
I am broken just like you are.
I have scars, just like you have.
I have my ups and downs, just like you have.
I am as imperfect as my life and those imperfections have become my strength.
 
I love what I do and many say I’m good at it.
I’m passionate about helping others reach their goals and have better lives.
 
My name is Chou Gabikiny. I’m a counselor, coach, and consultant. I specialize in Christian counseling, cognitive-behavioral therapy, and person-centered practices for supporting people with disabilities. I believe that counseling is not just for mental illnesses. You don’t need to have a diagnosis to see a counselor. When life becomes overwhelming, stressful, or plain boring, talking to counselor can help. I do nOt focus on diagnoses. When I meet with people, we look at what are their current challenges and together we work on breaking down those barriers so they can achieve wellness.
 
 I also provide coaching. I can help you get from point A to point B. I help you figure out what you want out of life and how to make it. It’s your life, YOU decide where you want to take it. I will support you and give you the guidance and accountability you need to successful in your endeavors.
 
As a consultant, I help people with disabilities have better lives. I advocate, train, and support. I give professional and natural caregivers the tools to effectively support others. I believe in a world where everyone has the ability to contribute to society, a world where everyone’s choices and interests are supported, a world where everyone, and I mean everyone, can participate in their community.
 
I am here for YOU! Give me a call or drop me a line (see contact info below).
​I promise to respond promptly.
 
Chou Gabikiny, MA, BCCC

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LETTING GO OF PERFECTIONISM

11/22/2016

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As promised, here is part 2 of Confessions of a Perfectionist. In this post, I will focus on how to enjoy life's imperfections. I can think of many different ways to accomplish just that, but I don’t want to end up writing about 101 tips. The more I think about it, the more I believe those 101 + tips can be summarized under 3 action steps. So here we go!
 
Step 1: See Things Clearly
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I once read a story about a woman who criticized her neighbor’s laundry every time she looked out her window. She would say things like, “She needs to change her laundry detergent…Didn’t anyone teach her how to do laundry?” Then one day her husband woke up early and cleaned their windows and the lady looked through the glass and said, “Someone finally showed her how to do laundry!” Her husband replied, “I cleaned OUR windows.”
 
It’s all a matter of perspective. What do you see when you look out the window of your life? What gloomy stuff appears through your perceived imperfections? Remember the saying about seeing the glass half full instead of half empty? Well, that’s exactly what I mean by seeing clearly. In other words, having a clear view of yourself, others, and the world.
 
Life is messy and nobody is perfect (we already established that in part 1) but if we simply focus on the bad, we rob ourselves of the good. My goal was to have this blog post done by the 15th but that didn’t happen. Instead other business related duties and opportunities happened. I can beat myself up for not meeting my goal or I can do better next time and actually be proud that last week I was able to put in extra work to solidify 2 new contracts. I can be disappointed at myself for rescheduling a counseling session last week when I had a flat tire or I can be thankful that I had established a strong enough relationship with my client that she was understanding and willing to meet at a different time. Things will happen that disturb our plans and get us off track, but I encourage you to look at the other half of the glass. It’s all a matter of perspective!
 
Even when you don’t get the promotion, that doesn’t mean you have nothing to contribute or worse yet, that you failed. Maybe you didn’t pass a test, but that doesn’t mean you are not smart. So you screwed something up at home; that doesn’t necessarily mean that you are not committed to your family. You are not a bad mom, employee, leader, entrepreneur, pastor, friend, spouse, or person just because you got 1 thing wrong! Think of the other 99 things you’ve done right!

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Step 2:  Accept What You See
Once you see clearly, you then have to accept what you see. The lady at the window had to accept that her neighbor actually knew how to do the laundry and that instead, her own glass windows were dirty and not her neighbor’s laundry. This can be a humbling experience!

​Life is full of things we cannot change, things that are out of our control, things that we can do absolutely nothing about. Once we see those things clearly, we need to accept them in order to appreciate those imperfections we see in ourselves, in others, and in the world. As I often say, “It is what it is and I just have to accept it for what it is!
 
I can’t change my children’s brain chemistry, neither can I subtract the unhealthy hereditary cells out of my genetic makeup. I might not like that things are this way but I’m not going to overwhelm myself with anxiety and stress over something that I cannot change. I’m not saying that we should live passive lives and not be proactive about what happens to us. I am saying that when things happen that we can do absolutely nothing about, we can either frustrate ourselves with those imperfections or we can choose to focus our energy on something that we can actually do something about. And this brings me to my third and last point.

Step 3:  Choose JOY!
When we get stuck on life’s imperfections, we are actually punishing ourselves. It’s like telling yourself, I will not be happy until this or that happen. Remember, things will happen that are out of our control and when we live with the mentality of delayed happiness, we might never be happy. No one can predict with accuracy what will happen tomorrow, so choose joy today!
 
You might be in the midst of a very challenging situation and I’m not negating the severity of what you are going through, but I know that when we choose joy, things slowly but surely become more manageable. I am not asking you to run away from your problems nor to dwell in unsafe conditions. I am encouraging you to make the best of every situation. People often say, “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade!”  I have a personalized version of that popular saying. “Life WILL give you lemons. You can either be sour or make the best lemonade you can and enjoy every sip of it!”
 
We can also apply this to the goals we set for ourselves. Do not set yourself up for failure; set yourself up for success. What is that you want to accomplish? What do you already have at your disposal that will help you accomplish that goal? Bank on those things, on what is already working well for you. As I mentioned in my previous blog post, reach for the sky but keep your feet on the ground. While you are working on where you want to go, don’t forget to lean on where you are. Those skills, assets, resources, people, and places can help you get to where you want to be. In other words, get some traction before the take off. We can either be fixated on things that are not going the way we planned, hoped, or dreamed, OR we can choose to enjoy what’s actually going well for us.
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I leave you with this:
Do more of what you love, without fear of failure. Be gracious toward yourself ; especially when life throws curveballs at you. When stuck, repeat steps 1, 2, and 3.
 
                                                                                                                                                                Your friend, Chou Gabikiny

PS: Have a happy Thanksgiving and  choose joy!
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CONFESSIONS OF A PERFECTIONIST 

11/1/2016

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                                                 Hi, my name is Chou Gabikiny and I’m a perfectionist.
Most of us have probably seen those addiction recovery commercials where the individuals introduce themselves by stating their names and their flaws. So, I give you again…

                                                  Hi, my name is Chou Gabikiny and I’m a perfectionist.

You might wonder why anyone would think of perfectionism as a flaw when the word itself says “perfection”. Well, here’s my story.

I like things to be perfect. I strive for excellence in all that I do. I go big or go home. If I can’t do it well, I often don’t do it at all.
I’m focused on results. Nothing wrong, right?

Well, here’s the bad part. For years, I lived with an “all or nothing” mentality. I missed out on many things because of fear of failure. I got depressed over unmet goals. I procrastinated until I was sure I could do things perfectly (this one is definitely a work in progress). For many of my teen years and especially in my early twenties, I struggled with low self-esteem because I was too critical of myself. I did not enjoy life to the fullest because my life was not perfect in my eyes.

Fast forward ten years later….

Today my life is more chaotic than it’s ever been. Today I have 3 wonderful children who remind me every day that life is messy. Today I have scars of the past that remind me of some of the painful situations that I’ve been through. My health has been failing for the past 2 years. My house is only clean when we are asleep or away (at least most of the time). My schedule is often unpredictable. My income is unstable.  The perfect picture of disaster for a perfectionist, you would say.

As I mentioned above, I am still working on my perfectionism but I have come to enjoy life more than I did ten years ago. I still have my quirks but I decided that the only way to live life to the fullest was to say good bye to perfectionism, at least to the unhealthy part of it.

 I’m letting go of the need to be perfect. I am still going to have high standards for myself and whatever I do but I am not going to crucify myself if something goes wrong. I now learn from my perceived failures and grow from my experiences. I am not perfect (and will never be), but I strive to be the best version of myself. Each and everyday, I will better myself as a parent, a friend, a counselor, a consultant, and as a person. I still reach for the stars but I keep my feet on the ground.

Today I know what I wish I had known ten years ago. I now know the truth that held the key to my joy: Life is NOT perfect but there is lot of perfection in those imperfect moments.

Today, I love my life and its imperfections. The messy house reminds me that life happens in these four walls that we call our home. The scars of the past remind that I am an overcomer. The unpredictable schedule reminds me to leave some wiggle room for life’s surprises. The unstable income teaches me to be a better steward of the resources that I have been blessed with.
                                      All things considered, my imperfect life is quite perfect.
I would not be the person I am today if I didn’t encounter and 
​process those imperfect parts of who I am and of how I think things should be.


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What about you?

Are you holding on to something that actually robs your joy
and becomes a barrier to your sense of fulfillment?
What are you afraid to let go of?
What imperfections are keeping you down?

I don’t know about you but I believe that life is too short to live depressed and suppressed by unmet goals, unrealistic standards, and the discouragement of unrealized dreams.

How can you enjoy those imperfect parts of your life?
(More on that in my next blog post)

Wishing you joy through the imperfect perfection we call life!


                                                                                                                   Your friend, Chou Gabikiny
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  • Home
  • ABOUT
    • Meet Our Founder !
    • Blog
  • INDIVIDUALS
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  • ORGANIZATIONS
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    • Inclusion Support
    • Mental Health Consultations
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    • Chou's Books
    • PUBLISHING